søndag den 9. december 2012
Hit the ground running
When you become a mother you seriously hit the ground running, you can read oh so many books, go to parenting class, birth preparation, first aid-classes and so on but there is nothing that can prepare you for the change a child has on your life. The lack of sleep is something your body will adjust to, the countless hours walking with the little one on your arm, the uneasy sleep in the rocking chair (but still sleep) and still we manage. Maybe not to the perfect grade that our parents think they could manage in same situation but we manage. True, the children doesn't always have clothes that match, there might be jam on the trousers and a bit of yoghurt in the hair but the child is thriving, happy, full and with a relative clean diaper. Everyone thinks they can do it muuuuuch better but no one can, once you're a parent you are everything to your child, they do not see it as neglect that you serve them frosted flakes for dinner or that the livingroom needs a serious amount of cleaning - there simply is no time. As long as there is time for the child, to be held, to be hugged and to be kissed. It's important, they know it and you know it. Perfection is something that comes later or from day one if you can see that the perfection is your wonderful little bundle of joy - everything else is obsolete.
Running with scissors
In life, your parents have taught you to be careful, to sit and eat without making too much of a mess, to dress yourself, to be kind and polite and all the other basics of life but have your ever wondered about the process? How much work went into teaching you to hold your fork right? Which shoe goes on which foot? For every day I spend as a parents I become more and more grateful for my mother and for the enormous work she put into raising me. True that it takes a village to raise a child but I certainly do not see the mayor coming by to help change diapers, or the merchant cleaning spilled milk off my kitchenfloor or the town idiot wrestling my toddler into his jammies. And while teaching all the basics you also have to remember the safety-dance. Fire is hot, fingers stuck in the door hurts, the toilet is not a source of water and so on. It's a constant race to keep up with them, what will they think of now? and more importantly, how do I prevent it and stay 2 steps ahead of them? Needless to say, my son is always covered in bruises, sometimes I suspect people of thinking that I beat him, I promise, I don't - there is no need to, he is perfectly capable of causing injury to himself.
When he climbs onto the officechair and from there tries to get onto the computer-table I fear the chair is gonna slip from under him and often it does, I brace myself for the fall and cross my fingers, hoping that this time he'll learn but does he? It hasn't happened yet.
When he slams the door on his fingers I comfort him and ask him if that hurt and please not to do it again, I turn my back and he goes over and does it again. Sometimes I wonder if one of the many falls he's taken has caused permanent damage.
Life brings you scars, bumps and bruises and our parents did one hell of a job raising us and now it's our turn, I'm sure all my children will survive, more or less intact and when it's their turn I will rest on my laurels, offer advice when asked and just ENJOY that: "Been there, done that!"
When he climbs onto the officechair and from there tries to get onto the computer-table I fear the chair is gonna slip from under him and often it does, I brace myself for the fall and cross my fingers, hoping that this time he'll learn but does he? It hasn't happened yet.
When he slams the door on his fingers I comfort him and ask him if that hurt and please not to do it again, I turn my back and he goes over and does it again. Sometimes I wonder if one of the many falls he's taken has caused permanent damage.
Life brings you scars, bumps and bruises and our parents did one hell of a job raising us and now it's our turn, I'm sure all my children will survive, more or less intact and when it's their turn I will rest on my laurels, offer advice when asked and just ENJOY that: "Been there, done that!"
I love you dad
This is from an article written by a child-nurse in a new letter for new parents. I love how she describes the whole father/dad-role. It is truly underrated and I think all fathers should read this and hopefully learn just how precious and valuable they are to the upbringing of a child.
The other day a father told
me: ”It’s weird becoming a father – often I feel more like a handy man than a
dad” It’s a bit worrying and actually a shame… because obviously, as a father,
you’re more than just a ‘handy man’. You mean a lot to your child from the very
beginning – even though your child is too young to tell you. That’s why I’ve
written down my 10 suggestions to what your child would tell you if it could.
1) I love your deep voice
When you talk to me I get
calm. I know your voice from when I was 22 weeks old and in mum’s belly – when
you speak I hear it clearly- Your voice reaches my ears and effect me because
it’s deeper than other voices I hear. When I am really upset I calm down as I
hear your deep there-there or schyss-schyss
2) I love the sound of your
heartbeat.
When I lie on your chest, I
feel completely safe. It reminds me of the time I spend in the uterus, where I
could hear the heartbeat, feel the breathing and also the heat from your body.
I enjoy lying with you, it makes me feel safe. The more we’re together – physically
close together – the more you hold me, carry me close, the better it is.
3
3) I love your beard.
When I am 5 to 6 weeks old, I
start to differ more between contrast and colour and I get fascinated by
contrasts and shades. When I look at your face it’s particular exciting to look
at your beard because it creates a contrast to your skin, like your hair and
forehead often catch my eye. I love it when you hold me so I can look at your
face and study it for a long time.
It’s difficult for me to
figure out what my need is. Sometimes I think I need to eat all the time but
actually I have loads of milk in my belly and I need help calming down instead.
When I lie with you I do not get confused by the smell of milk. That’s why I
sleep better by you, I stop crying, calm down and falls asleep because you do
not smell like milk.
When you hold me in your hands
and when I’m in your arms, I can feel your bodystructure, your bigger muscels and
your wider, bigger hands. It makes me feel safe and gives me a feeling that
you’re able to handle me. I’m not scared that you’re going to drop me, on the
contrary, it gives me the feeling that I am completely safe with you and that
you take care of me.
6) I love reflecting myself in
you
I love watching you and what
you do. When you stick your tongue out, I try and do the same, when you wink at
me or say funny sounds, I try to copy that. There is something truly
fascinating about the faces you pull and I love watching you.
7) I love that you let me try
I love that you’re there when
it’s time to explore the world and when I am testing myself. It’s not often
that you say: “Be careful!”, instead we explore the world together and you
often focus on what’s new, fun and exciting.
8) I love that you’re fun
You’re so fun to play with. You’re
always trouble and when you tease me, it’s always with love and a gleam in your
eyes. I really like when you swing me around, dance with me in the livingroom
or turn me upside down. The best thing is when you tickle me with your fingers,
from the tip of my toes, up the legs, over the belly and under my chin. I flex
my body from the excitement and it’s fun every single time.
Sometimes I can cause you
parents to worry, sometimes I cry and I’m having difficulty stopping, sometimes
I’m tired, sometimes my tummy hurts and sometimes I’m just sad and neither you
nor I know why. And I love that you, in these situations, keep your calm. You continuously
say “it’s going to be all right” and you walk around with me, sing to me and
you continue and continue and continue – calm and comforting – and finally I
also calm down.
I love you because I can feel
that you love me . I love that you’re apart of the care-taking, that you are
there for me and that I have you. I love you more and more every time you talk
to me, look at me, listen to me and respond to me. The more you hug me, caress
me, hold me and is there for me. I love you more and more for every day that
passes where we’re spending time together.
An old word of wisdom:
When you’re 5 years old, you
think your dad knows everything
When you’re 10 years old you
think your dad knows a lot
When you’re 15 years old you
think you know as much as your dad
When you’re 20 years old your
dad doesn’t understand much
When you’re 30 years old you
think that maybe you should ask your dad
When you’re 40 years old you
think your dad is a bit reasonable
When you’re 50 years old you
dad knows everything
When you’re 60 years old you
wish your dad was there so you could ask him.
onsdag den 26. september 2012
The witching hour
In Denmark also called; the wolf-hour
It's the time from when you pick up the children from daycare/school etc and until you can put (throw) them in bed. I have received a lot of advice from magazines and family members but people tend to forget that each child is different and now that the terrible twos are entering our little household I swear we need a meddler to stand in the line of fire. A personal thing I discovered yesterday was that because I have a cold and I was getting really tired, there had been no nap, I found that my fuse was shorter than normal and that just made things even worse. I think that parents often forget that the children are feeling just like, if not worse, than the grown ups. They are tired, a bit icky, hungry and having no chores they must force themselves occupied with, they are in limbus. A semi-dark place filled with nothing and a slight fog clogging the brain - kinda a hopeless situation and you feel alone. No wonder your kids are hanging on your trouserleg, whining and unable to tell you what they need because they do not know. Imagine if you got home, tired, hungry and icky and just had to wait...
It's the time from when you pick up the children from daycare/school etc and until you can put (throw) them in bed. I have received a lot of advice from magazines and family members but people tend to forget that each child is different and now that the terrible twos are entering our little household I swear we need a meddler to stand in the line of fire. A personal thing I discovered yesterday was that because I have a cold and I was getting really tired, there had been no nap, I found that my fuse was shorter than normal and that just made things even worse. I think that parents often forget that the children are feeling just like, if not worse, than the grown ups. They are tired, a bit icky, hungry and having no chores they must force themselves occupied with, they are in limbus. A semi-dark place filled with nothing and a slight fog clogging the brain - kinda a hopeless situation and you feel alone. No wonder your kids are hanging on your trouserleg, whining and unable to tell you what they need because they do not know. Imagine if you got home, tired, hungry and icky and just had to wait...
torsdag den 20. september 2012
Male logic
I am not one to complain.. ok - sometimes but seriously, male logic makes not sense to me, I know that men suffer from our way of seeing things but they are not too normal themselves.
Examples:
When asking Steve to take the kids to the playground his reasons for not doing it is that Kate doesn't want to leave when it comes to that and Quinten eats sand...
I have argued against the by saying that if we'd take them more often Kate would know that we would come back, maybe even tomorrow, and it's not an annual thing and about Quinten and the sand, well, it comes out again and it might even clean a bit on the way :P
When Quinten doesn't want to go back to sleep in the middle of the night Steve fumes about the boy being difficult, I insist that he check him, like does the diaper needs a change, is the boy running a fever and so on and the man stubbornly insists that none of those things can disturb ones sleep...
Bread - to leave it in the paperbag from the baker will cause it to go dry quickly, not according to the hubby but when proven wrong he denies making that statement along with a comment about Danish bread and bakers....
I want a kitchenaid, to make baking easier, Steve argues that I do not bake enough to have one, it would just stand around collecting dust, I argue that I would bake more if I had my hands free instead of holding the hand-mixer (which sound freaks Quinten out meaning I have to hold him) He still sticks to his statement: it would be a waste... ergo: I do not have a kitchenaid.
I can update this one: my mother brought me a kitchen-aid and Steve now claims I have an easy life because it does all the work for me... oh yes, but off course... :/
More updates to come
Examples:
When asking Steve to take the kids to the playground his reasons for not doing it is that Kate doesn't want to leave when it comes to that and Quinten eats sand...
I have argued against the by saying that if we'd take them more often Kate would know that we would come back, maybe even tomorrow, and it's not an annual thing and about Quinten and the sand, well, it comes out again and it might even clean a bit on the way :P
When Quinten doesn't want to go back to sleep in the middle of the night Steve fumes about the boy being difficult, I insist that he check him, like does the diaper needs a change, is the boy running a fever and so on and the man stubbornly insists that none of those things can disturb ones sleep...
Bread - to leave it in the paperbag from the baker will cause it to go dry quickly, not according to the hubby but when proven wrong he denies making that statement along with a comment about Danish bread and bakers....
I want a kitchenaid, to make baking easier, Steve argues that I do not bake enough to have one, it would just stand around collecting dust, I argue that I would bake more if I had my hands free instead of holding the hand-mixer (which sound freaks Quinten out meaning I have to hold him) He still sticks to his statement: it would be a waste... ergo: I do not have a kitchenaid.
I can update this one: my mother brought me a kitchen-aid and Steve now claims I have an easy life because it does all the work for me... oh yes, but off course... :/
More updates to come
søndag den 5. august 2012
2½+1+1=??
First there was 1½, then I entered the family, then came Quinten and now Lily. We're 4½ people in this family, in a 2 bedroom apartment and making it work is exciting - not always good exciting but never the less. When Kate turns 4 this November we've lived here 2/3 of the time on the lease and we cannot wait to get out of here, as much as I love Mortsel I hate the traffic and I hate the neighbours, Steve probably hates the traffic more than me but then again, he gets stuck in it every single day he has to go to work - poor guy!
We have Kate every second weekend and to be honest, I don't always think it's enough, Quinten loves his sister and she loves being here, not sure she always loves him but that's children right?
I love all my children and I consider Kate mine as well - to a certain extend. I enjoy that sometimes I can 'hand over' the responsibility of her to her father and throw my hands in the air with a "Fine! Be that way!" Simply cannot do that with neither of the other two, I am the problem-solver when it comes to them and the safety net.
We are, at best, harmonic and at worst.... don't get me started. Steve and I do not agree on the rules, he says I'm too strict and I say he's too soft. Maybe because I expect so much from Kate, because I do not know what she can and cannot and so little of Quinten because I know exactly what he can and can't. Steve sees Quinten as a mini Kate and gets frustrated when he does not understand or does as told, he sees Kate as his little girl and I think that it often scares him when she grows up and develops as quickly as she does. Not having her on a daily basis is frustrating for him I believe, he misses out on so much and being a man, his eye is not for the details but for the whole picture. I see the details, I see every little thing. I think it's because I'm a mother :P A mother of 2½
We have Kate every second weekend and to be honest, I don't always think it's enough, Quinten loves his sister and she loves being here, not sure she always loves him but that's children right?
I love all my children and I consider Kate mine as well - to a certain extend. I enjoy that sometimes I can 'hand over' the responsibility of her to her father and throw my hands in the air with a "Fine! Be that way!" Simply cannot do that with neither of the other two, I am the problem-solver when it comes to them and the safety net.
We are, at best, harmonic and at worst.... don't get me started. Steve and I do not agree on the rules, he says I'm too strict and I say he's too soft. Maybe because I expect so much from Kate, because I do not know what she can and cannot and so little of Quinten because I know exactly what he can and can't. Steve sees Quinten as a mini Kate and gets frustrated when he does not understand or does as told, he sees Kate as his little girl and I think that it often scares him when she grows up and develops as quickly as she does. Not having her on a daily basis is frustrating for him I believe, he misses out on so much and being a man, his eye is not for the details but for the whole picture. I see the details, I see every little thing. I think it's because I'm a mother :P A mother of 2½
The info I didn't get...
When you become a mother things change, well, everything changes. A whole night sleep is not something you can look forward to for a good few years but I think I recall someone who mentioned that - thought they were exaggerating but no... they weren't...
Completely forgetting about yourself, a shower is something you are okay with once a week, make up is overrated and your hair lives it's own life... no wonder new mothers and mothers in general look worn and tired because they are! Extra time, if any, gets prioritized for sleeping, cleaning and preparing for next rush-hour. When your mother calls for a chat you rush into the kitchen so you can have a cigarrette in peace while you do the dishes or sanitise the bottles. Sitting down with a cup of (warm) coffee is someting you dream about but also know is not going to happen until the children either move out or at least know how to go get some food themselves. Then there are other things to worry about, laundry "where's my favourite shirt" and which one is it this week? "The dog ate my homework" We do not have a dog "Mom, can you drive me to the mall/Melinda's place/to school (because it's raining/I'm tired/I cannot find my bike/buspass etc) !" and the list goes on.
Being a mother is an ungrateful and highly underpaid job and until your own children have children of their own they to not apreciate the work you've done for them, until they move out from their childhood home they do not understand the work laundry is, dishes, grocery shopping and don't even get me started on meal planning because let's face it, how much planning is dinner for one?
Todlers or teenagers, it's the same amount of work, diapers for fights over curfew/new phone/haircut and so on, scrapes, bumps and bruises for lying sleepless because they're out all night, sleepless nights with a sick child for broken hearts and hangovers.
A mothers job is never done and you never stop being a mother.
Completely forgetting about yourself, a shower is something you are okay with once a week, make up is overrated and your hair lives it's own life... no wonder new mothers and mothers in general look worn and tired because they are! Extra time, if any, gets prioritized for sleeping, cleaning and preparing for next rush-hour. When your mother calls for a chat you rush into the kitchen so you can have a cigarrette in peace while you do the dishes or sanitise the bottles. Sitting down with a cup of (warm) coffee is someting you dream about but also know is not going to happen until the children either move out or at least know how to go get some food themselves. Then there are other things to worry about, laundry "where's my favourite shirt" and which one is it this week? "The dog ate my homework" We do not have a dog "Mom, can you drive me to the mall/Melinda's place/to school (because it's raining/I'm tired/I cannot find my bike/buspass etc) !" and the list goes on.
Being a mother is an ungrateful and highly underpaid job and until your own children have children of their own they to not apreciate the work you've done for them, until they move out from their childhood home they do not understand the work laundry is, dishes, grocery shopping and don't even get me started on meal planning because let's face it, how much planning is dinner for one?
Todlers or teenagers, it's the same amount of work, diapers for fights over curfew/new phone/haircut and so on, scrapes, bumps and bruises for lying sleepless because they're out all night, sleepless nights with a sick child for broken hearts and hangovers.
A mothers job is never done and you never stop being a mother.
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